Crossed Out Name

So, Ryan Adams has been blogging his way though sitting in his NYC apartment writing and demo-ing his way through his new record. It's a strange blog. I can't explain it - but check it - DradamsFilms I stumbled on it a few days ago and have been following - even at the hospital ...for some reason - like Ryan Adams' blog was something else that was happening in real time.

His last post, and vid for a song called "Crossed Out Name" are disturbing. Maybe it's because I have been at a hospital for three days seeing bed-loads of folks on their way In, on their way Out, or going through what has to be done in order to make it though. Life. Make it though so they can continue on. Continue on. Or maybe going away and leaving us. Still, surrounded by all of the other people who are helping them on their way - doctors, surgeons, nurses, and the cleaners of halls and rooms and beds, and the women who wheel people around in wheel chairs. All of the people who I rode in elevators with. Families. Nervous. Happy. Crying. Blank. ...I could write so much... My nerves are shot. I'm sleepless and spent, and I have taken so much in over the past three days that it will take some time to assimilate it all. My Father is resting comfortably upstairs right now lying in bed next to his wife and the rains are on up here on Whidbey Island falling through the chilly dark. Ryan Adams' last blog entry is fairly fatalistic. I'd guess he'll be around tomorrow- still with us, but it's an unsettling blog all 'round. I don't know why I'm saying this but - Money doesn't kill. Fame doesn't kill. Nothing kills except time, disease, that one sudden moment, and isolation. For the last days I've been surrounded by humanity at it's most naked state save war or catastrophe. I'm fucked up. I'm somewhere else. So filled up with love that my Father chose to proactively go (and is going though) a real shitty experience with strength, love, family, surrender, grace, and style. I'd expect nothing less from this man - those attributes are how he lives his life, and his life will/is going forward, and will continue to. Woody Guthrie wrote:

"There on our mountain bed of leaves we learned life’s reason why
People laugh and love and dream, they fight, they hate to die."

It's raining. Goodnight.