Island County. Gateway to Paradise.

Living like I am up on Whidbey Island for a time, one begins to realize that it really is the quality of the people that really make the old place a home. So with that in mind I give you some highlights from the Island County sheriff’s report….


Jan. 10 ~ 10:38 am – A woman in Freeland told police that her ex-boyfriend had hit her and that he was currently at her home with a machete. (Come on, you know it....nothing says "I Love You" more than some dude camped out at his x's with a great big fucking machete. Nooothing. I mean stand up and feel the love people!)

Jan 10 ~ 12:03 pm – A Langley police officer reported that he’d been flipped off by a man riding a bicycle in the middle of Zig Zag Road near Langley Road. The bike rider shared his special greeting after he had been told to move to the side of the road. (No way! That rocks! “Hey you, on the bike – move to the side of the road.” “No. Fuck you. Cop.”)

Jan. 8 ~ 1:02 pm – A worker at a Clinton business told police that a man came into the store and threatened to blow him up. ("Blow him up"?? Get outta here!! No one does that anymore. That is some old school shit right there. None of this starting a fight, or knocking over his mailbox in the middle of the night. No, this is “I’m gonna fucking BLOW YOU UP you asshole!” But then that’s just the way we roll up here. Juuuuust being neighborly)

Jan. 7 ~ 1:02 pm – A school official told police that a student reported being stalked by her step-father. (OK, that one’s creepy. Nice one dude. Jackass).

Jan.17 ~ 12:31 pm – Someone near Shoreline Drive near Greenbank told police that there was a fraudulent advertisement in the newspaper. (OK, that one was dull…..)

Jan.17 ~ 6:40 pm – A person near Crawford Road reported that helicopters had been flying in and out of Porter Airfield until 1 a.m. consistently for three days. (That’s no moon – it’s a space station.…!)

Jan.17 ~ 9:28 pm – A Freeland woman told police that her son had been offered drugs earlier that day. (I mean really? Helicopters until 1 a.m. consistently for three days?)

Jan.14 ~ 5:21 am – A Clinton business employee called police and told them that a robbery suspect had his arm stuck in a vent and was yelling for help after trying to break into the building. (Ya, this was the dude who climbed up on the roof of the store and tried to shimmy down through the heat vents. And ya, he got stuck in there and the cops had to pull him out by his feet. “Um, ya, sorry officers – you see I thought I heard a little dog barking in there and was just trying to help…and, um, I got stuck.” Genius!)

Jan.17 ~ 3:24 pm – A man on Wahl Road reported a dog barking at the edge of it’s fence after being let outside by it’s owner. (I know! Blow it up!!)

Jan.17 ~ 10:52 pm – A Langley man on Crow Haven Road said the driver of a full-sized truck on East Millman Road was honking his horn and driving on his driveway. (Everybody all together now: "Yeeeeeehawwww!")

Jan.18 ~ 11:38 pm – A Freeland woman on Topaz Court reported suspected drug activity with weekly deliveries on Friday nights. The suspected drug dealer left beer bottles all over. (It’s kindof like Netflicks. But for meth)

Jan.11 ~ 1:07 pm – A Clinton woman living on Timberline Road reported that her nephew had threatened to come to her house and steal her things. ("Steal her things"? Gee - …Do you think she might dig me?....No, wait, it's dodgy...Her nephew? "Steal her things"?….hummm...)

Jan.14 ~ 11:01 am – A person near Suede Hill Road said cows had broken loose from a nearby farm. (I am SO glad that this still happens up here. Go cows!)

Jan.17 ~ 12:26 pm – A Clinton woman on Bailey Road said someone driving a two door car on Highway 525 threw something white and greasy at the window of her vehicle. (Wait, are you SURE they were Helicopters?)

And lastly, two more dandies that simply must be related to one another…

Jan.16 ~ 8:37 pm – A Langley man near Point View Walk told police that a man was lying on the ground on the shoulder of the road. At first the man said he saw the subject on his hands and knees.

And…

Jan.17 ~ 8:35 am – A Clinton woman told police that her son was vomiting, had slurred speech and had taken an unknown amount of Valium after sneaking out the night before. (Douh!)

Ya yes, it’s good times up here. The cranks have even started stealing phone lines to sell the copper. Come visit! Wait, Helicopters? 1 a.m.? Are you SUUUUURRE they were Helicopters?