Ice Creams with Gerry Adams

(My day working with this guy....just about verbatum....until I went mad)

What's your favorite Van Morrison a song?

Vanlose Stairway.

Oh, I don't know that one. I like some of his spiritual albums but I don't know the names of the songs.

What's your favorite?

Well, lets see...is Gloria a cover?

Naw, he wrote that.

Ya', that's such a great song. It's so rocking.

I see what you mean.

...and Brown Eyed Woman is so great...

Girl.

...what, oh ya' ya' Brown Eyed Girl. That's just such a classic. Their on his Greatest Hits. An', ya, but boy some of his more spiritual songs, and I don't really like spiritual songs, I mean I like Gospel, and I like a lot of things...

His first band was called "Them"

What?

Van Morrison. His band used to be called Them.

Right, right. They did Gloria then?

That's right.

He's so great. He seems like a really cool guy.

Actually he's really rather grumpy.

What?

He's kindof a bastard really.

What made him that way do you think?

I don't know. Insecurity, talent, alcohol and a Belfast upbringing maybe.

He's from Belfast?

Ya.

Wow. That's like blowing each-other up and shit.

-2-

Have you got a favorite album?

album?

Ya, like the best album in the world type of thing?

Ah geeze....even the desert island list is kindof long. You?

Yes, I've thought a lot about it...

have you?

...and I think it would be either Rubber Soul or Revolver.

Quality choices.

By The Beatles.

Right. They are on my list for sure.

Ya' I like a wide range of music. You know, everything from Al Green to the Violent Femmes.

-3-

Do you listen to Bruce Cockburn?

I used to quite a bit but we've drifted.

You've drifted?

A little.

I think he's the best thing to come out of Canada.

Na' Avril Lavigne is the best thing to come out of Canada!

Who?

Avril Lavigne. Cockburn said so himself...

Who's that?

Bruce?

Bruce? No, the other one...

Avril? She's an annoying little punk pop princess.

A punk pop princess?

Ya' something like that.

And you like her?

Ya, she's great. Your kids listen to Green Day right?

I think so.

Ask them who Av...

Is she now?

Sorry?

I mean is she now like? You know...

Now? I guess I suppose you could say that.

So she's now. I'll ask.

-4-

I'd go see Crosby, Stills, and Nash if Neil Young was playing with them.

Sorry, who did you say? You'd see CSN?

CSN&Y.

Been a couple of years since he played with them.

Three or Four.

Ya'. 'Bout that.

He's grumpy too.

Who is?

Neil Young.

Ya' I've heard.

Oh, a terrible grump. Moody.

-5-

Do you suppose Ann Coulter would fancy me?

Wah?

Ann Coulter. Love to have a toss with her.

The politician?

Naw, she's more of a talking head bit with books.

But your a lefty!

Naw, I'm an anarchist.

Your an anarchist?

Yes, we can be on ether the left or the right.

You can be on the left or the right?

That's right.

Well, she does have nice legs.

I don't like her shoes.

You don't like Ann Coulter's shoes? What have her shoes got to do with havin' a toss?

Their these awful leathery real pointed ones like. With a heel so her foot's always jammed in to the really pointed end from above. And their long. Really, too long. Their horrid.

Ann Coulter's shoes are too long?

I have this vague notion of watching them go by as they came off and me thinking that she's thinking that they look really good on her but really their horrid. And then your miles off target.

Miles off target with Ann Coulter? No, I don't think she'd like you a bit.

But that's just the thing, I'd be different.

You'd be different? different from who?

All her other men.

You mean to say you really spend your day thinking about what kinds of people Ann Coulter has slept with? You would be different...

Precisely.

...and at the same time you do have a point, she does seem really rather pent up and annoying. Maybe it would do some good, sort of like taking one for the rest of us.

No, I'd do it team or no team.

Yes, apparently you would. That's true. And she does wear that little leather number on the cover of her new book.

What, How To Talk to A Liberal?

Ya', that's it.

I read that book.

Ya', I suppose you did. But she still won't be talking to you.

She's a Dead Head you know...

She's a Dead Head? As in likes the Grateful Dead?

She's seen 'em loads of times.

Loads?

Do you suppose she's never slept with anybody?

What? Ann Coulter a virgin?

I know it doesn't seem very likely does it.

'Bout as likely as you sleeping with her.

Wait. Oh...Sorry. Wait. Sorry, I have to take this call.

-6-

Well "Utel" you are obviously non Irish, as every one knows that Mr. Adams first name is written as 'Gerry' as short for Gearoid, so your use of 'Jerry' unmasks you as some Brit or Brit licking anti republican or worse - a Dead Head.